"I know what you want, you just want a nice guy ..." "Er, actually no," I interrupted my mother, "I don’t." I’m nice enough for two, maybe three people. I’m docile. I’m sweet. I mind my manners. I address adults my parents’ age as "Mr. or "Mrs. or "Ms." I call my mother once a week (more for her benefit than mine ... but that’s another article altogether). I never spit, slurp, swear or drink beer from a bottle in front of a man. And I always, always, always match my purse to my shoes. In sum, I am f@#$ing choking on niceness. I live barely keeping my head above the rising flood waters of nice, brought on by the deluge of nice emanating from my conservative, Italian Roman Catholic upbringing. So no, I don’t want or need a nice guy.

Schadenfreude (German) means "pleasure taken from someone else's misfortune." Schadenfreude seems to go one step beyond the idea that misery loves company - being unhappy is less painful if those around you are unhappy, too. If you and a friend interview to fill different positions with the same company, you are rejected, and you feel relief when your friend is also rejected, it’s because misery loves company. If, on the other hand, you are offered a position, your friend is rejected, and you feel like gloating because you landed a job and he didn’t, that’s schadenfreude. Schadenfreude implies that it isn’t enough that you succeed, but that others must fail, in order for you to be content. Put another way, your triumphs are incomplete without others suffering defeat.

“Well, he dropped the L bomb” she said sheepishly, half grinning. The quizzical look on my face signaled to my young female friend that I didn’t understand what she was getting at, prompting her to elaborate. “He said ‘I love you.’” She paused. “I didn’t say it back, although I eventually said it, a few days later ... it was hard, though, because I still have feelings for [insert name here].” The L bomber and my young friend just celebrated one month of dating, so I don’t know how deep his feelings may be, but if he truly loves this girl, I’d say the poor bastard is going to get screwed. And not in a good way.